I am, therefore I write

I often tell people that first and foremost, I am a writer. Yet, for the past three or four years, I have written very little. I have studied writing, and I understand words in a way I never did before. But I lost something in the last four years.

Sometimes, I want to blame her for it, but I know it's not her fault. It would be easy to blame her, but it wouldn't be fair. The fault lies in me. Other times, I want to blame St Edward's, for forcing me to think about writing in a different light, in the eyes of a scholar, and academic - and I am neither of those things. But again, the fault lies with me.

At one point, during late 1999 through the early parts of 2001 I was very focused on my writing. I was incredibly prolific - as soon as I got an idea, I just had to sit down and pound it out. But since I started St Edward's I haven't been able to do that very well.

I've lost my self-discipline.

I don't think it was ever a purposeful thing; it used to be I couldn't stop writing, and aside from brief flurries here and there where I was back in that groove, I haven't been able to write like I did during that year and a half. And I've noticed some changes in me. My depression is much more fickle, much less focused and much harder to escape. I'm more easily distracted, and I'm almost always discontent.

I wouldn't say I was content during that time, but I would say that I was far closer to it than I am now.

Back then, I had an opportunity to sit down for hours a day and hours a night and write until I could barely think straight. I had friends I could share that writing with - friends I connected with in very deep and profound ways. I don't think I've had that connection with people in awhile, at least in in real life. All the friends I have now are wonderful people, but I don't think we share the same things I shared with Steven and Alysen.

Chelsea and Arthur come close, and I think given time, could fill that niche. But it is up to me to pursue a relationship with them. I think Shannon Sawyer could also fill that niche, but there is something about her, and about pursing a friendship with her, that frankly scares me. I don't know if it's her age (I don't think so) or her connection to my mother...but it's something.

I also want to re-connect with Jesse and Marcia. These are people who encouraged me and helped me get where I am and I miss them. They're getting older and might not be around too much longer. I need to take advantage of the time I have with them.

And my discontent isn't just the writing, although that is at the heart of it. I also don't like my appearance, mostly my weight -- which is in my power to change.

I just need self-discipline.

Self-discipline is easy when it's not really discipline. During my best times writing, my self-discipline was also a matter of momentum; the more I wrote, the more I read, the more ideas I had. The more ideas I had, the more I wrote and the more I read. It was a self-perpetuating cycle that broke when I changed from working at the state to attending St Edward's.

Now, I need to create real self-discipline. And it's truly an easy enough thing to do, I think. I just have to do it - I have to force myself to do it.

I need to force myself to sit down and write - not play games, not idly surf the net, but really sit down and write - and if I can't write, work on a website or another project.

I have such a long list of projects I need to get done; I need to start getting them done. When I have a spare moment, I need to work on one of them. I need to think about them, and remember that they are there. When I have a weekend and I'm done with my chores, and I don't feel up to walking or something else, and I'm blocked, I need to sit down and work on one of those projects.

I need to focus.

I need to use chores and such to start the discipline. If I can take care of my chores and my responsibilities, I can use the momentum to help me work on my writing. I need to spend more time writing down the story ideas I get, and the random thoughts I have.

I know I have matured as a writer and as a thinker and as a person; I need to apply that to my writing career and my personal life. If I can force myself to walk two or three times a week, drink tea and water instead of coke, and eat only when I'm really hungry -- and then only until I'm full -- then I think I can start making some changes.

I can't blame this on the fibromyalgia, either. The fibro can be defeated by exercise, diet (well, maybe not defeated, but at least controlled) and attitude. I need to change my attitude.

Discilpine has always been hard for me - it's harder still to impose it on myself. I can always talk myself out of anything and talk anyone else into anything.

Time to reverse that, methinks.